Just want to wish y’all the happiest of New Years. Thanks for reading my blog and special thanks to all who commented. Here’s to another year spent with those we love doing the things that bring us joy.

I haven’t posted for a month, some of you have been checking in to see how we are doing and I really appreciate that. I struggle with posting, these have been dark days. I have been sad, angry, resentful, weak, lost, melancholy, resigned, and unmotivated. I have had to force myself to finish the work for the three classes I was taking, I think it helped to have that to focus on, it gave my brain something to do. December 13, I was done and my friends were all asking how it felt to be done with school for the semester, and I couldn’t tell them. I couldn’t really feel anything, I expected to feel relieved and lighter but I didn’t. I felt empty, and pressured by expectations that seemed meaningless. I am still mourning my Dad, Brian is still looking for work and we are living with uncertainty. Then on the 15th my daughter and I were involved in a car accident. We were rear-ended and pushed into another car. We are okay, some neck injury, but we walked away from it. The car is not drivable though. This week we have been focusing on healing, daily visits to the chiropractor, massages, ice packs and rest. Rose is 11, and the accident freaked her out, it was scary. We have been talking a lot with the kids about the accident because the boys are both about to become drivers, and that really scares me. They may be good drivers, but we can’t control what the other people do on the road. I was doing everything right, I was not speeding, I was not tailgating, I was not talking on the phone, or adjusting the radio, or putting on makeup or any number of things I see people doing while driving. I reacted quickly, I was stopping, but the woman behind me didn’t. Then while I was checking Rose and comforting her in the minutes after the impact, the woman left the scene. She did come back half an hour later after the CHP were there taking our report.

I keep replaying the scene in my head and wonder how the boys would handle the same situation. It has been a week now and I felt that we needed to come together as a family and process what has been happening.

I decided that we would have a winter solstice ceremony, celebrate leaving the darkness and moving into light. Amidst their protests that this was Pagan and contrary to our Christian beliefs, and squashing the thoughts that we were going to build a big bonfire and drink mead, I gathered all the candles I could find and set up a little table in our family room with them and sun symbol.

I explained what we were doing and why, that I wanted to mark the turning point in the earths movements with a turning point in how we are viewing our lives. That we have had a number of events in our family that have brought darkness and sadness and that we could use this celestial moment to let go of some of the darkness and focus on the hope in the coming of light.

I had them turn all the lights off, even the Christmas tree and blow out the candles and I asked them to reflect in the darkness and silence on the things that have happened that bring them pain and sadness. Then one by one we each lit a candle as we thought of the hope in our future. Brian read the Genesis story of creation and I read a Native American poem called “Spirit Walker” as we lit the rest of the candles in the room and enjoyed the warm glow. We talked for a little bit, well, mostly Rose talked and the boys slouched, about what we had just done.

Then we opened all our Christmas cards together and read the good wishes people have sent us. I think it was good, I think it was meaningful, I think it was strange for the kids, and maybe even a little strange for my husband, but I am grateful that they go along with me and participate because it makes me happy. I feel their love for me in that, and for that I am grateful. I am sensing a turning point, I am so aware that we are interconnected as a family and our emotions and well being are bound together. The subtleties of how we treat each other have great impact especially when we are in this vulnerable place in our lives. We must care for each other.

Care for those you love, even when it feels strange.

As I lounge in bed for the last few minutes before I get up to start the turkey, I am reflecting on what I have to be thankful about. I like to do a dorky activity with my family and guests every year that ends up creating something I can put up in the house to remind us to be grateful instead of greedy during the upcoming holiday season. I haven’t come up with the activity for this year yet. It will come, I am good at winging it. This fall has brought some difficult times for our family with the death of my father and the loss of work for my husband. We are facing some tight months ahead as he searches for employment. These losses make us dig deeper for the things we are grateful for. May you all dig and uncover the true blessings in your lives today.

Happy Thanksgiving! I’m off to the kitchen! I love to make turkey!

I finished mom’s shawl. She looks beautiful in it, it is her colors, and it drapes just perfectly over her shoulders like a hug. I hope it brings her comfort. We are all home now after dad’s funeral. I am exhausted. It is exhausting to mourn. I know this is normal and expected and all that, but it is not easy. I miss Dad. I miss Mom the way she was with Dad. I am not ready to be the older generation, I want just a little longer being my father’s daughter. I am just sad, that is all.

The shawl above is for my mom, I’m making it with many purple yarns I have been collecting for her. There is a little touch of green too. I flew back to Chicago to be with my Dad for what turned out to be his last 24 hours. Due to his strokes he could not swallow anymore and we all knew the end was close. I took the red-eye and drove directly to his bedside, just missing my sister by a half hour. Dad had not spoken for a couple of weeks, and I wasn’t sure what to expect when I got there. I was grateful he was still with us. He opened his eyes and seemed to respond to me. I wept, and told him how much I loved him. After a few hours my mom arrived, then my sister, and two brothers, arrived and we sat around his bed all day. He seemed to know we were there. At one point I answered a nurse’s question in Spanish and he tried to speak! I think he responded to the Spanish. We talked to him of our love for him, that all would be okay, that we, his family were all with him, he was not alone. We sat in silence too, all lost in our own emotions and feeling of being in uncharted waters. What do you say when your father, your husband of 52 years lay breathing his last. He seemed to stabilize, so we went home for some food and a little sleep. Then the nursing home called around 11 and said his breathing was labored and blood pressure dropping we had better come. My brother, Pat and I went in and promised to call mom and Tim if it looked bad. (It helped that Pat is a doctor, he knew what to expect). We sat with him in the dark room through the night. Stroking his arms, holding his hand, singing gently, weeping a little, talking, and dozing. We called mom around 6, dads circulation was dropping, his breathing had been a struggle though the whole night. He was working so hard just to breathe. He took his last breath around 9 and he was gone. The earth and time stopped and we were deep in our moment of loss, we knew, but the pain of his dying seared us. We cried, we kissed him, and we held each other. He was gone, right away he was gone, his body was not him anymore, it was just his body. It was a moment full of sorrow and beauty. Dad’s suffering was over, he is home. We will ride the waves of grief knowing that he is at peace and in a beautiful place. Thank you to all who helped us pray.

If you are a praying person would you help me pray for my Dad’s peaceful passing. He has had several strokes and has been in a nursing home, this week he had another and can no longer eat or drink. I pray it won’t be long, he has been through enough.

Here is my blue felted purse before felting. It is pretty basic. I used Cascade 220 yarn doubled, on size 11 needles. Since my washer disaster, we have a front loader washer now, which of course you can’t felt in. So I am felting by hand. My husband found me an old fashioned washboard. I think it was meant for decoration though and not real use, because the corrugated metal kept popping out of the frame as I was scrubbing against it. Luckily, hubby is a handy hubby and he can reinforce it for my next project.
I used alternating hot sudsy water (with Kiss my Face soap) and ice water. It took about fifteen minutes to felt. Then I dried it out on the clothesline

I love this size bag, 12 x 11 inches it slings over my shoulder and holds just my essentials, with a little bit of stretch as what I consider essential is always growing!

You are awesome, Blue Moon Fiber Arts! Remember this pair of socks I was working on in July and August on all my trips to Virginia. I had bought a bunch of sock yarn in June at the Black Sheep Gathering in Oregon. The Blue Moon booth was wonderful. All those colors and the most luscious sock yarn. I started making this pair of socks using their Rockin’ toe up pattern out of their Socks that Rock yarn in colorway Typhoon Tina. A lot of traveling this summer so lots of knitting progress, and by the time I went back to Virginia in August, I had the first sock done and was well on my way into the second (take THAT, second sock syndrome). I was at this lovely spa in the mountains in Virginia (really, this is rare for me, it was a quick weekend to celebrate my SIL 50th). Somewhere, sometime probably while I was packing to go home, I lost the first finished sock. OH NO! I couldn’t believe it. I have only lost knitting once before, many years ago I lost a baby blanket I was working on, I lost the whole knitting bag. This time it was just the finished sock (without the ends woven in) I called the Homestead, I emailed them, I sent them a photo of the sock so they would know what they were looking for, I spoke to the front desk, I spoke to housekeeping, I spoke to the concierge. No luck, someone has a beautiful handknit sock for 1 foot. I was crushed. I finished the second sock, and started on the third and I realized there really isn’t enough yarn to make a third sock. So I started searching. All my usual yarn shops, the internet. When I got my invite to Ravelry I quickly joined the group; ISO and destashing and put up my request for more Typhoon Tina. No luck. Someone suggested I write to Blue Moon Fiber Arts. Of course, I had searched their web site and Typhoon Tina is not available. So I wrote to them. Hallelujah! They replied this morning that they will dye some more for me! How cool is that!?! That is excellent customer service, I am so impressed. So it looks like this story ends well, Brian will not have a cold foot when he wears his Typhoon Tina socks. YeeHa!

Every week when I drive to Samuel Merritt to my physiology class I go down Telegraph Ave and drive right past a great yarn shop called Article Pract. I know I don’t need any more yarn, and I am supposed to be studying this fall anyway so I don’t stop to look. I can’t stop just to look, I am not a good looker, I always buy something. Today, though, after 3 1/2 hours of the nursing entrance exam, there was a parking place right in front of the shop. My little bug just pulled right in, I couldn’t help it.
Here is the first thing I bought. Sock yarn in a lovely colorway.

After I got it home look what I found inside!

would you look at that, inside the ball of sock yarn is a little bobbin of reinforcing yarn for the heel. How cool is that, and it matches the colorway!
Then I wandered to the sale area and couldn’t pass these up,

and because I don’t have enough patterns (;-), at least not any on nifty convenient little cards, I bought this.

Brian wondered if I “needed” new needles too.
I do actually, I need some size 11 circular to start some felted kitchen mitts to replace some that have been burned beyond use. I didn’t buy any though.

See that capelet? I wonder if I could make that out of the yarn I just unravelled from the shawl. Anyone know how to figure out how much yardage there is in handspun? Isn’t there a way to calculate it based on weight and wpi? Some way that is easier than actually measuring it?

I frogged the shawl. It was a little painful, but not once I got pulling and winding the balls. I’m not sure what I am going to knit with the yarn, maybe a vest, maybe a hat, I just don’t know. There isn’t a lot of yardage. Now I don’t have much left on the needles. I have my Bluefaced leiceister sweater, my Tidal wave socks and Hubby’s socks which are at a standstill until I locate more Socks that Rock yarn in the right colorway. I need to start something, something, something………

oh, where you calling me? pile of books? I have been buried in schoolwork. My physiology class has gotten hard, I guess because we have gotten to the part of the material that is totally new for me. And the professor is not so organized, so it is hard to figure out what he is expecting from us. Tomorrow I have to take the Nursing Entrance Exam. It just tests basic reading comprehension and math. I had purchased a study guide and have been doing the practice exams, it includes a lot of basic science (like Big Bang Theory, how the stars form, and parts of a plant and other useful knowledge.) I was beginning to panic, because I didn’t learn some of that stuff way back when (probably because some of it was not discovered yet). I spent an evening skimming Pat’s physics book, and pumping him with questions. But it turns out I don’t have to worry, they are just testing us on the verbal and math sections. I just need to get a good night’s sleep, eat a good breakfast and sharpen some #2 pencils, I should be fine.
Then when I am done with that I need to work on my essays for my application, due November 1.
Maybe I can knit after that…….